Confessions of a Control Freak

Standard

I have a confession. I am a CONTROL FREAK. Nothing wigs this blonde headed girl out more that lack of control. Now now don’t jump to conclusions, I am not some power crazed authoritarian type demanding others to do her bidding (i hope). Nope, it’s more like I have a deep fear of getting hurt so I scramble to organize and manage my own life, and for my poor now ex boyfriends theirs (ya, i’ll own it). It is the small things that I want  have to control. Or big things. Okay, okay all things. Ugh. I want the plans and the desires of my heart to happen how I want them and when I want them. I want things on my terms and I want to understand them as they come. I literally find myself reeling when things do not go my way, according to “the plan”. At times I wonder how I go day to day without a paper bag in my giant purse (slight exaggeration).

The problem with this whole plan issue is there is no room for God. In fact it is deeper then that. Not only do I not invite Him into the plans of my life, I flat do not trust Him. Ouch. Last time I checked I do not verify with my Sweet Savior if the thing I am about to tap into my iCal aligns with what He has for me. The reality is I struggle with letting go and trusting that He has the best intentions for me.  Past pains and wounds scream out in my heart that He is not worth trusting. The scarred parts of my heart spew the venom of distrust and cause doubt and unbelief.

The truth is in the caverns of my heart it is echoing:

-Remember that hurt? You can’t trust Him to protect you.

-Remember that pain? He will let it happen again. Save yourself.

-Remember that disappointment? He doesn’t have your best interest in mind. You can make it happen.

-Remember that failure? He doesn’t care about your dreams. Take it into your own hands.

My heart in pain choses to writhe and rebel believing the whispers of the enemy telling me that I have to do this alone. It lies and says my God has forsaken me in the past, therefore I cannot trust Him in the present . I make agreements with these lies remembering those tender wounds and failures. Disappointment creeps in and control feels safe. My response then is to clench my fists, build walls and try to do it all myself. I create plans and protection mechanisms that resemble a seemingly safe and indestructible fortress named the Castle of Control.

But this “safe place” I have been building is deceptive. Isaiah 28: 15 says:

“You boast, “We have entered into a covenant with death, with the grave we have made an agreement. When an overwhelming scourge sweeps by it cannot touch us, for we have made a lie our refuge and falsehood our hiding place”. 

Every time I believe that my control is safer than trusting God with my life, I am making a lie my refuge.

Every time I agree that I can do a better job than the God of the universe, I am agreeing with the enemy entering into a covenant with death.

Every time I move to control the intricacies and outcome of my life, I make falsehood my hiding place. 

In my control I am believing lies and denying the truth about who God is. He is trustworthy. I am His daughter who He has chosen and set apart. He has great plans for me and yet my fear and unbelief create a great rift in my heart. His word says in Proverbs 3:5-6:

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart 
   and lean not on your own understanding; 
6 in all your ways submit to him, 
   and he will make your paths straight.

Today I am making the move to destroy the Castle of Control and building my life on the Cornerstone of the King. I am kneeling before my God, praying against the unbelief and doubt in my heart. I am opening my hands to worship the King who is worthy to be trusted with all my heart.

My prayer is “Father, I pray that the eyes of my heart may be enlightened in order that I may know the hope to which You have called me, the riches of Your glorious inheritance in the saints, and Your incomparably great power for those who believe. Ephesians 1:18-19 (Beth Moore, Praying God’s Word)

Do you struggle with control, doubt and unbelief? If so I would love to pray for you by name. Leave a comment!

Resources:

Praying God’s Word: Breaking Free from Spiritual Strongholds by Beth Moore is revamping my prayer life. This book walks you through applying God’s Word into your prayer life to break spiritual strongholds.

Advertisements

4 responses »

  1. I had to do a double take when I started reading your post because I felt like I was reading about myself. Control is the BIGGEST issue for me and has recently caused a whole lot of heartache. It’s the fear of the unknown…a trust issue…so many things. God has brought me to a point where I have no choice but to let Him lead–and although it’s painful, it’s a lesson I need and sadly wouldn’t have pursued myself.

    Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing your heart.
    -Lacey

    • Lacey-
      Thank you for sharing. Letting go of the things that we love and placing them in the hands of God, may it be people or dreams, is one of the hardest things. We have this distorted view that we can take better care of the circumstances than our Father.
      Let me encourage you that the more I pray, sharing my heart on the good, bad and crazy things in my life He has exposed some of the reasons that I do not trust Him. I am praying that through the pain you see Him and that you get to the root of your distrust. Nothing God does is in vain or will come out void. I am convinced that if we trust Him with our lives it will be the best decision we ever made.
      I was reading tonight Matthew 16: 24-25
      “Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.”
      All I know is I want to lose my life in the One who can save it. Praying for you tonight.

      -Erin

  2. Erin-

    Had to comment on this one as well – I used to be here girl! And through the YEARS I have learned that the letting go and letting GOD sets me FREE!! Being held in chains by this “control” is the enemy and he wants nothing more than to put you there. I pray that over time you will learn to bask in HIS love and realize that GOD will lead you safely and with love. I try to just take one day at a time, one day that HE has given me, and I leave my troubles in HIS ARMS and watch what happens!! YOU truly need to GIVE THIS UP TO HIM!!! But I am so thrilled that you are searching for answers. HE says to us to seek HIM and FOR CERTAIN you will find HIM!!! Keep seeking girl with all of your sweet heart!

    • Amen Sister 🙂
      God has been prying my hands off of things for a couple of years. The death grip of control is not nearly as strong! Praise and Glory to Him!!
      I find the more I know who He is and the more I seek answers, I trust Him a little bit more each day.
      Hugs!!! 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s