I have a confession. I am a CONTROL FREAK. Nothing wigs this blonde headed girl out more that lack of control. Now now don’t jump to conclusions, I am not some power crazed authoritarian type demanding others to do her bidding (i hope). Nope, it’s more like I have a deep fear of getting hurt so I scramble to organize and manage my own life, and for my poor now ex boyfriends theirs (ya, i’ll own it). It is the small things that I
want have to control. Or big things. Okay, okay all things. Ugh. I want the plans and the desires of my heart to happen how I want them and when I want them. I want things on my terms and I want to understand them as they come. I literally find myself reeling when things do not go my way, according to “the plan”. At times I wonder how I go day to day without a paper bag in my giant purse (slight exaggeration).
The problem with this whole plan issue is there is no room for God. In fact it is deeper then that. Not only do I not invite Him into the plans of my life, I flat do not trust Him. Ouch. Last time I checked I do not verify with my Sweet Savior if the thing I am about to tap into my iCal aligns with what He has for me. The reality is I struggle with letting go and trusting that He has the best intentions for me. Past pains and wounds scream out in my heart that He is not worth trusting. The scarred parts of my heart spew the venom of distrust and cause doubt and unbelief.
The truth is in the caverns of my heart it is echoing:
-Remember that hurt? You can’t trust Him to protect you.
-Remember that pain? He will let it happen again. Save yourself.
-Remember that disappointment? He doesn’t have your best interest in mind. You can make it happen.
-Remember that failure? He doesn’t care about your dreams. Take it into your own hands.
My heart in pain choses to writhe and rebel believing the whispers of the enemy telling me that I have to do this alone. It lies and says my God has forsaken me in the past, therefore I cannot trust Him in the present . I make agreements with these lies remembering those tender wounds and failures. Disappointment creeps in and control feels safe. My response then is to clench my fists, build walls and try to do it all myself. I create plans and protection mechanisms that resemble a seemingly safe and indestructible fortress named the Castle of Control.
But this “safe place” I have been building is deceptive. Isaiah 28: 15 says:
“You boast, “We have entered into a covenant with death, with the grave we have made an agreement. When an overwhelming scourge sweeps by it cannot touch us, for we have made a lie our refuge and falsehood our hiding place”.
Every time I believe that my control is safer than trusting God with my life, I am making a lie my refuge.
Every time I agree that I can do a better job than the God of the universe, I am agreeing with the enemy entering into a covenant with death.
Every time I move to control the intricacies and outcome of my life, I make falsehood my hiding place.
In my control I am believing lies and denying the truth about who God is. He is trustworthy. I am His daughter who He has chosen and set apart. He has great plans for me and yet my fear and unbelief create a great rift in my heart. His word says in Proverbs 3:5-6:
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Today I am making the move to destroy the Castle of Control and building my life on the Cornerstone of the King. I am kneeling before my God, praying against the unbelief and doubt in my heart. I am opening my hands to worship the King who is worthy to be trusted with all my heart.
My prayer is “Father, I pray that the eyes of my heart may be enlightened in order that I may know the hope to which You have called me, the riches of Your glorious inheritance in the saints, and Your incomparably great power for those who believe. Ephesians 1:18-19 (Beth Moore, Praying God’s Word)
Do you struggle with control, doubt and unbelief? If so I would love to pray for you by name. Leave a comment!
Praying God’s Word: Breaking Free from Spiritual Strongholds by Beth Moore is revamping my prayer life. This book walks you through applying God’s Word into your prayer life to break spiritual strongholds.