Well, I took a break from the blog world for a while. Intensional and not so intentional, in ways. I learned the value of living a life that isn’t driven with the hopes of a post on social media. I have intensions to blog more, but grad school keeps life full. So I make no promises in this space. Although, I would love to try. In my break, I started school again (the best and craziest decision I made in the last year and a half). And I am engaged to be married…. Perhaps there will be posts about that to come…. So… if anyone is still listening….
Friendship is colored with both success and failure, weaknesses and strengths. These colorful threads make friendship beautiful. The haphazard stitches make the tapestry beautiful. Vulnerability is the very thread that sews the heart to another.
What does it mean to be a good friend? This heavy weighted question sits inside the halls of my heart. I can hear the clicking of the high heels as this question wanders like an impatient sales woman, waiting to be answered. Perhaps the real question I am asking is “Am I a good friend?” I am not sure I know the answer to this. All the shortcomings, failures and losses of friendships come to mind. I imagine I have moments of great strength as a friend, and others of great weakness. The enemy of our souls certainly has the ability to highlight the shortcomings. Today I am pondering lost friendships. You know the ones that part with time, fade into the distance when the roads meander apart? Sometimes this is a natural parting of ways, other times it seems like a dramatic severing of souls. Dreams of life long friendship, whispered secrets and delightful hopes are cut in a stunning instant. Those losses hurt the most. I confess that my intense relational being tends to believe that all friendships will last forever and it nearly crushes me when they shatter, no matter the circumstance.
As I reflect on my own losses, one particular friendship comes to mind that weighs on my heart which causes a wave of melancholy and sad wash over me. This friendship had deep ties connecting our hearts and in a moment those ties were snipped in a text message. I still wonder what went wrong. I mull and chew on the various things I did, like a cow on cud. This ache in my heart over the loss nags at me. It’s been over a year. I know I missed the mark for her. I know I wasn’t attentive enough, available enough. Truthfully I was selfish. Perhaps I wasn’t there in her greatest time of need as she was for me. I confess that I went through a season where pride filled my heart and a particular belief made me assume I was superior. Maybe the brunt of this belief, the craziness of it all, just became more than she could bear. After all, I was pretty consumed with my own needs, longings, desires… so much so I am not sure I would be friends with me. I wonder how many times I overlooked her pain, discarded her needs and made her feel unworthy with my pride filled words. I wonder how many times rescheduled dates caused tears I didn’t see. I took her for granted. Don’t we all have that potential when we fail to see what we have?
And one cold winter day she left. Abruptly and I didn’t chase her down. Truthfully, I don’t know if she wanted me to. I still wonder if she wanted me to pursue her, but after not a murmur from her lips or a light up of the phone- the cold cut of the bond of friendship stung. I was surprised, shocked and confused. The pain settled in my heart and I just let her go. I justified in my heart that she wanted to leave. I told myself she had better friends in other places and it was best for her if I just let her leave. She was done with me, and I wasn’t brave enough to make it right. Rejection spewed lies and told me I deserved the loss. And so I cowered and hid in my shame and let life pass by.
Changes came to both of us. Seasons change after all, but what happens when you want to take people into the next one with you? I confess I do not handle change well and I have had my fair share of major changes the last few years which likely strained the friendship. We both failed, made mistakes; but we also both had great strengths. For the years our lives intersected I was deeply blessed by her. And so the wound was deeper, with an awareness of my love and gratitude for her.
I stuffed this loss into a dark corner of my heart and “moved forward”. But the truth is my heart just didn’t really come with me. She still is someone I think of, pray for and miss often. Perhaps my awareness of her absence is deeper than ever because of my upcoming wedding. She was a person I dreamt with, cried with over previous failed relationships and pain. We would whisper about our wedding days and make plans. I think back and remember those moments with a deep sorrow of what was lost. Those plans are a shadow in my mind and I grieve her absence. A huge part of me never dreamt of these day without her.
Today, I weep at the loss of our friendship. I grieve the ways I failed and miss her presence. I am not minimizing the wonderful friendships I have now with other courageous, bold women of God. But no friendship replaces another. No two relationships are alike, and I think that is purposeful. We are created uniquely, and so our friendships follow in uniqueness.
And, so I remember with tears finding their way down my cheek….this unique and treasured friendship that once was and thank the Lord for the moments I had with her and wish I had held on a little tighter to our friendship I took for granted…. Now they are treasures in the depths of my heart. I remember and even treasure the broken threads that linger from our friendship in my heart.
Perhaps today you will take the time to remember a friendship lost with the ticks of time. Let’s pray for them and love them no matter how it ended. May we be thankful for those who are close to us, after all we don’t know how long we have.
If you (my treasured lost friend) read this… I am sorry for the ways I failed you. I wish you well, pray blessings in to your life and hope you find it in your heart to forgive me. I still to this day, love you and miss you.