Category Archives: Relationships

Doctor’s Offices, Drive Thru’s and Dating

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What do you think of when you hear the word “waiting“? Personally, I think of a torturous activity that includes doctor’s offices, check out lines and the like that causes impatience to flare up. This girl has grown to cringe at the concept in waiting especially in her dating life. I will own the fact that I am a product of our instant gratification culture where most things are only a drive thru or click away. Believe me, if there could be a drive thru for dating I am pretty sure every single person would be there and the line would be miles long. So there we are, back to the whole waiting thing again.

You see, maybe you are like me and struggle with what to do with waiting. I mean really, who thinks “oh today I am going to do some waiting. Yup, that waiting was the highlight of my day.” Take that into the dating realm. The first picture that pops into my head is a woman sitting at home knitting socks and sewing buttons waiting for a man to court her. (Okay so maybe I read Little Women one to many times). Regardless, I highly doubt that any of us are overly excited at the idea of waiting. In fact, when God impressed upon my heart back in November that I would be single for a year, I cried and wailed and attempted to persuade him that a FedEx box on my door step with my husband in it was a better alternative. Unfortunately here we are about five months later and still no box on my porch. Looks like God has bigger plans.

But God has been teaching me something in the past few months. I have learned waiting in singleness is not a passive activity. Far from it actually. When I sit down with a girlfriend over coffee and discuss my situation of singleness, I have begun to realize that there is far more I can be doing than pining away for my God appointed helpmate. God has opened my eyes up to the importance of intension during singleness that actively prepares me for my future relationship with my spouse. This time of my life is not meant to be idle. Nor is this is the time to be throwing a pity party. In no way is eating ice cream watching chick flicks, reading love stories or planning our future wedding, helping our cause. Even if everyone in our life is getting married or dating someone does not mean we don’t have things we can be intentionally doing to prepare for the things God has for us.

Above all else we need to fully surrender ourselves to Christ. Fully. Not partially, not selectively. Fully. The most important thing I can do for my spouse is fall head over heals in love with my Savior.  My relationship with Christ directly affects every area of my life and will affect my ability to be a good wife to my husband. Do I trust the One who created me? If not, how can I trust a flawed human being?  The biggest gift I can give my husband is being firmly planted in Him. Our relationship with Christ directly affects our ability to love another person. When we withhold ourself from Him, taking control, we cut off the supply of life to that area of our life and death is bound to follow.

It is important to identify that only Christ can fix the broken places of my heart. Christ alone sets me free. No man can give me my identity, but Christ can because He created me. Security does not come from a man or possession, but through Christ who is my Provider. As much as we want to believe that our significant other will provide a solution to pain or complete a process of healing or make us whole in some way that is far from the case. Jesus completes us, heals us and is the Perfecter of our faith. Attaching ourself to another equally broken person without knowing who we are in Christ is a recipe for disaster. Take it from the girl who used to be a leach, sucking a man dry in desperation to figure out who she was all the while he didn’t know who he was. When we know who we are in Christ, we are whole and confident in Him prepared to sustain a relationship with another broken human being. No longer are we looking to them as an answer, we already know the answer.

In understanding each of these things and more through pursuing God whole heartedly, I am establishing discipline in my life that will carry over into my future marriage. By reaching out to Him to receive all I need, I am practicing identifying the proper source of where those needs are filled. I am building a foundation in my life that will join with my husband who I believe is doing the same to build a life on the cornerstone of Christ. But we each have to own our faith first and walk it out alone before we can to it together. Without the opportunity to exercise our faith muscles we risk being unequally yoked, depending upon the other person in the relationship to carry our weight. Another person cannot walk out a relationship with Christ for you.

Finally we can pray. We can be prayer warriors for our spouse and future marriage as we wait. Just because we don’t know their name or details doesn’t mean that prayer isn’t effective. God knows all. He knows your spouse better than you ever will. I think sometimes we think of prayer as a passive activity because we don’t always see the fruit right away. But actually prayer is biggest thing we can do. I know I hope my husband is already praying for me, it’s likely he has been for years. Truth be told I very well could be the woman I am today because the power of some prayerful people who lifted me up to the only One who could reach me. Never ever ever underestimate the power of prayer. If you don’t pray for your marriage, who will? I know I want to actively sow into my marriage now through prayer even though I don’t get to see the harvest for a while. Prayer has become an active act of submission of my plans in exchange for God’s plans. As I pray for my husband, our hearts are being knit together. I want a unified marriage through Christ where my husband and I’s heart beats as one. The only way I know how to have that happen is kneel before the Author of my love story and pray. I am learning to love that man already through prayer. Prayer purifies our motives and exchanges our natural selfish lust for selfless Christ filled love.

Singleness is not this holding place meant to torture us. It is a period of time to prepare for all the beauty God has for us. Personally through seeking Him and praying for my husband my heart has been filled with purpose and a hope of a future beyond my wildest imagination. My motives have been purified. I no longer seek to be married because of a deep need that  aches to be filled. Instead I desire to journey through life with my husband spurring him on to be the man God has called him to be and as a couple seek to glorify His Name. My singleness transformed from a time of idleness to a time of intension because God opened my eyes to the responsibility I have in preparation for my groom. But most of all I no longer worry about this area of my life. Dating and marriage used to consume me, but I realize now that He has always been penning my love story.

“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, 
   for I have put my trust in you. 
Show me the way I should go, 
   for to you I entrust my life. ” –Psalm 143:8

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Godly Man Sighting: They Do Exist!

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In the past year or so God has really blessed me with some tangible examples of men who seek Him. Some of these men I know well, others are just fellow bloggers, but it is clear that they have a vibrant relationship with the Lord.  I think this is important for a single girl to acknowledge because at times it is easy to get caught up in the negative cycle that good Godly men do not exist. We become cynics and skeptics and wallow in a pool of pessimism. In frustration and at times jealousy, we sit around and bash the opposite sex and their shortcomings. I am guilty of this. These bash sessions also can come out of the broken places of my heart from the wreckage of broken, dysfunctional relationships. They come from the lies that the enemy has placed in my heart that it is worth settling for something less than what God has for me. I praise God for giving me a renewed perspective on the male species through the windows of these brothers in Christ who seek Him whole heartedly.

You see ladies, when we sit around and harp on the men we begin to build up false perception of them. We fail to see them as children of the Lord Most High and diminish His workmanship. Our brothers in Christ really are just as broken as we are and it is unfair to expect perfection. I realize that every time I look at a brother and judge him and his brokenness, I am denying my brokenness and need for Jesus. Other times when I look to a man to be perfect, I am failing to recognize that he cannot and will not be my savior. No man can be Jesus. We all are in the sanctification process, if we were perfect then we wouldn’t need Him.

Now I do believe that it is important to be able to discern whether or not the man we are interested in or dating has a strong relationship with God. While our men won’t be perfect, it is important that we don’t excuse abusive behavior or lack of intimacy with God. If there is not fruit of that in their life, most likely they are not ready for an sustained dating relationship. Same goes for us. We cannot be looking to the men to fix our brokenness. The only Healer and Savior is God. Not to mention take it from a girl who has dated a “project boyfriend” more than once, you cannot change him. We do not have that type of power or authority in any man’s life. God is the only one that can do a work in someone.

As a girl who has dated guys that have lacked in a strong relationship with God, I know that it has been encouraging to see these men of God and the fruit of their life. In fact, some of my friends are married to them. Rather then get jealous and doubt whether or not I “deserve” something like this, I look to these men of God as examples to spur me on to wait for the man God has for me. Watching these men interact with the women in their lives, may it be their wife, mother, sister or just friends, it reminds me not to settle for someone who really does not seek the Lord. Other times it reminds me of the importance to wait for a man who really will lead the relationship through discernment from our King. These men remind me that:

-Godly men do exist and are seeking the Lord with all their heart, mind and strength.

-There are men that will pursue women when led by Him.

-There are men who understand redemption and know who Christ is.

-There are men who do not view women as objects for sexual gratification and desire to honor them.

-There are men that are leaders and are seeking to understand how to grow in leadership to prepare for all that God has for them, including marriage.

-There are men who live set apart lives for Him and seek first the Kingdom of God.

Ladies, it is important that we do not give up hope. That we trust God to bring a man into our lives that loves Him and spurs us on. These guys are out there. If you don’t believe me, ask God to open your eyes to men who really do love Him. Often they are right under our noses, or we have been looking in all of the wrong places. Right now one of my favorite websites Good Women Project is doing a series called Open Letter’s from Men to Women. This is one of those places that gives me a window into men’s hearts.

Just like we are being refined, grown and pruned by our King, so are they. It is important to love each other as Christ first loved us and show grace and not condemnation. Just because we may have had a bad experience, or two or three does not mean that all men are bad. So let us allow God to restore our faith in the opposite sex and spur them on towards Him by not lowering our standards because we don’t believe they exist.

Choosing Singleness: Waiting on Him

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So at the beginning of the year I confessed that I was in a season of singleness, and then I avoided it until, well now. Some of you might cringe with me because of the ridiculous stereotype that comes with being single. For some crazy reason single has the stigma of being less than being in a relationship.  Perhaps that is the reason for my silence. Or maybe it is because I had to come to grips with it myself. Okay, really it is both.

Maybe you can relate with the feeling that all your friends are getting married this year (okay, okay not all of them). The rest of them are already married and have a baby or are trying to have a baby. You meet with people over a steaming cup of coffee and you are enjoying yourself and the conversation until suddenly the topic switches to your love life.  You stare at them blankly because it doesn’t exist right now, out of choice I might add.  They then begin telling you about their cousin’s friend’s friend’s brother who is just so great and loves Jesus.  Oh yes, that is me. Anyone relate?

I love my friends, I might add. I know they really just want to see me with a guy who is running with the Lord the race marked out for him. But right now I know in my heart I am meant to run this segment of the journey alone. Without a man.

You see I am a recovered serial dater. I once was that girl that needed a man for an identity and looked for it in all the wrong types of guys. I imagine friends prayed for and worried about me because the guys I picked were not at all right. Somewhere along the way I would believe that they were “perfect” for me or believe that it was as good as it was going to get and settle into the dysfunction. I would adapt myself to fit their life, change the things I liked and disliked to make them happy and hopefully “find myself”.  Perhaps you have a friend that is like I was. You know, that girl that jumps from guy to guy like a spider monkey because of that emptiness that is just aching to be filled.

Those poor men that journeyed that segment of life with me naturally became exhausted because I looked to them for who I was. Or I somehow figured out that the situation really was bad and there had to be something better. So I would move on and find a better version of really the same type of guy.

One day I found myself dumped by a man I thought was “the one” and cried at the feet of Jesus. My broken heart ached and I despaired at the bottom of the pit of self loathing and lost identity. Christ met me there. I remember thinking how I felt like I had lost myself and then it dawned on me, I don’t even know who I am. Thankfully God has brought me a long way from this place and proceeded to pour into my identity. Believe me, if it can happen for me it can happen for you too. He is our Redeemer. I still have had a couple more dating blunders along the way and a while ago found myself single again.

I am doing it different this time. This time I am waiting on the Lord. I am believing in His timing and His plan. Dating has been a cycle of brokenness and control. I would crawl around head down groping for the nearest man to claim me and call life into me. I put the man on a pedestal and believed that he was all I needed to become whole.  I clung to this lie that I have to make it happen and take matters into my own hands because God wasn’t moving in this area of my life. In my impatience I would settle and search for something that is far less than what my Father wants for me. For now:

“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:13-14

You see I finally get that no man, no human affirmation can call forth identity into me. My identity is in Christ alone and I will stand upon that truth. Knowing who I am in Christ has helped me stand up and not let others dictate who I am or will become. Through sleepless nights and countless tears I know now that the only thing I need is Jesus and one day, in His timing, if He brings me a husband it will be a bonus. I believe in God’s perfect timing the right man will walk into my life and a divine romance will unfold unlike anything this girl can understand.

But on top of that I am already married to the Prince of Peace and His love for me is perfect, never fails and never runs out.

“For your Maker is your husband- The Lord Almighty is his name- the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth” Isaiah 54:5 

 

Thankful Thursday: New Friends in Unlikely Places

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Sometimes with all the introspection and processing I get a little consumed with self. Anybody else with me on that? I mean really, this world is not all about me. Amen. So for a little change of pace I am going to praise God for something I am thankful for. Does he not just abundantly bless us?  It is so easy to become focused on what we lack that we fail to acknowledge all that He has given us.

Lately I have been abundantly blessed by this sweet woman in her seventies. I met her at one of my favorite family owned restaurants that conveniently is minutes away from my home. About a month ago I was in there having a date with Jesus. On these dates Jesus and I will go to a restaurant and hang out. Usually I read, journal or do bible study and enjoy the time communing with Him. I was doing just that when this woman sat down at the booth next to me. I was spread out at my table just about to dig into the Word, when my attention was drawn to her because of the conversation she was having with the server. I was not meaning to be nosy, but she was expressing concern about sodium content and for some reason I was interested. Before I knew it the server had walked away and she had struck up a conversation with me. We commiserated on dietary needs (I am gluten and milk intolerant) and how inconvenient they are.

Minutes later I invited her to my table and boy am I glad that I did. This dear woman is full of stories. She makes me laugh, teaches me things and honestly fascinates me. She is talented and knows three different languages, has traveled and is very well educated in art and literature. On that day a divine connection was made, or as she would say just pure luck. We have been hanging out ever since. I am excited for the ways our relationship will grow in the coming months, hopefully years. She knows nothing about Jesus. She openly admitted that to me the other day, although I will admit I knew that already, and to her surprise it changed nothing. But my new friend is already dear to my heart and I love her. I know God is up to something. She has had three encounters with pastors in the past week and God has sparked her curiosity. My friend feels that these meetings are just too weird.

Something she said to me that stuck with me is that she believes that some people have faith and that others don’t. She thinks she falls into the category of someone who just doesn’t have “it”. Could you do me a favor and join me in prayer for my new friend? Would you pray that she has eyes to see and ears to hear His voice? Pray that she has faith of even a mustard seed to see and know He is God. That her heart would be prepared to hear the truth and that the seed would not turn up void? Also pray against any schemes of the enemy to deceive her. Pray that I would know how to answer her questions as they come up. I really just want to love her well as Christ would love her. At the opportune time I hope to be bold in my faith and share with her the Truth, but only if I am prompted to by Him. I really believe He is about to usher her right into the Kingdom of God. I’d love if you’d pray and I will be sure to keep you posted so we can celebrate when that day comes!

So today I am thankful for new friends and new opportunities to build relationships. Do you have anything you are thankful for this Thursday? I would love to hear about something you feel thankful for today. Comment below and we can engage in prayer of thanksgiving and rejoice in the Lord for the ways He has blessed us. Happy Thursday!!!

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4: 4-7

A Friendship that Shaped Me

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I normally try my best to keep Sunday a day of rest. I firmly believe it is important to truly have a day of rest where your mind, body and soul can rejuvenate for what lies ahead. God created it that way you know? But today is a non traditional Sunday for me and I am traveling home from visiting some of the dearest people I know. Life long friends. These people have been in my life since I was born, and I am lucky to have them. They moved when I was in second grade but thankfully it didn’t shake up our friendship too much. They are people that despite the distance, we always feel like we were never far. We pick up right where we left off. I have several friends like that and I am thankful for each of them.
To be honest I have always had a hard time making friends. When I was young I was painfully shy. My goal was to remain as invisible as possible to prevent my face from turning red. Any time attention would turn to me, even positive attention, I would blush horribly. So I did whatever I could to blend in. I was not very vocal and struggled to come up with conversation with people my age so ever so slowly would friendships develop. If they developed at all. Because I wasn’t aggressive often I would end up with friends who were a lot more assertive than me because they found they could boss me around. As sad as it is, even kindergartners can be aggressive. I got in trouble with a few of them along the way. So I grew up learning that if I pleased people I could have friends. Not the best thing.
I had a rough time with any life transition, which I think is true of many people. Any time I changed schools the cycle would begin again. Eating alone and in some cases hiding during lunch periods because I didn’t want people to view me as the girl that ate alone or worse, a loser. Middle school was awful. I don’t think i know a single person that says middle school is awesome. But I had a particularly hard time. My poor parents were beside themselves. I would come home everyday crying my 7th grade year because I didn’t have a single friend. My Mom begged the counseling office to move me into classes with friends from elementary school, but to no avail they wouldn’t budge.
One day finally I met someone who became a friend for most middle school and high school. She was a good friend, a special friend, whose family loved me too. Her mom taught Sunday school and for a long time we taught first grade through third grade. I loved it. Looking back God was molding my heart to love teaching the Word. This particular friend and I hung out almost every day and our parents could hardly get us to separate. To this day, while I have deep friendships, none is quite like that. It was that youthful friendship that was full of dreaming- like planning each others weddings and careers, and playing sweet and innocent games. We had a falling out at the end of high school that really scarred my heart as I imagine it did hers. We went separate ways. Made different choices and honestly burned the tie that held us together. I don’t know where she is today but I am praying she is well. That her dreams came true and that she is living a full, successful life. Despite the heartache at the end, she still impacted this girl’s life. She was there for me. For a time we shared our hearts with each other and we grew into young women together. I learned the value of a friend. Our friendship changed me.
For a long time I grieved the loss of our friendship. I grieved the loss of young dreams and the absence of her. I felt as though I failed her- and I probably did at times. I was angry and at times bitter. But slowly God showed me that He truly is a friend. Not only is He Almighty God, Alpha and Omega, the Creator, He is friend. A best friend. A friend you can’t run from or tell too much. An unconditional loving friend. A friend who will NEVER reject you. And maybe just maybe it is why I went without friends different seasons of my life. I had to know in my heart that He is all I need. I know, it sounds so cliche. But really, I think because I wanted friends so badly that I idolized friendship. It became more valuable than my relationship with Him. Having a tangible, face to face, friend to hug and talk to outweighed my pursuit with Him. Now I am not saying that I think God caused our friendship to end the way it did. But I did learn a valuable lesson from my various seasons of loneliness and loss of her.
So today I am thankful. Thankful for friendships. Ones I have today, and ones I had in the past. Each of you is a gift for this girl. Each one helped shape me to the girl I am today, and some of you held me together in some really dark times. And most of all I am thankful for the friendship I have in Christ, who can meet that need in me better than anyone else. So if you stumble upon this blog and are in need of a friend, Jesus is all you need. He really can be your best, most authentic friend. (and I can always be a friend too)

Happy Sunday Friends 🙂

Pain, Planes and Prayers

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This girl loves to travel. I adore the excitement and rush of the airport, the packing, the anticipation of going somewhere new and really just being on a plane. I get so excited that it exhausts me. But i still love it. Usually after a trip I need a whole day to recover from the excitement. I know, it’s a little ridiculous.
It always intrigues me when I am on a trip where exactly everyone is going. I like to imagine each persons life that I sit next to, and when I am lucky my imagination is relieved and I get to hear it straight from them. I have been enlightened on the diversity of peoples stations of life. Most people I run into are working and are off to a meeting. Sometimes they are going on vacation or visiting people they love. And other times they are going somewhere that brings them pain.
I am realizing that EVERYONE has some form of pain in there life. Everyone. There is no exception. No matter how well they go through the motions, cover it up, cope with it, refuse to deal with it or allow it to consume them it is there. It is inevitable.
I will never forget a trip I was on where I had the sudden urge to talk with this woman. A God prompting. A little whisper passed through my soul asking me to talk to her. So I sat down next to her a struck up a conversation. She was older and the beauty lines in her face revealed that she had moments of laughter but in this case she seemed sullen. As we talked she began to open her heart to me, something I did not expect.
This woman had lived her life as a caretaker for her sickly mother. Their bond was tight. I could tell that the fabric of their lives was woven together so intricately. Tears in her eyes welled as she shared that her mother was her best friend, and while at times she wished she had lived an independent life, she never regrets she chose what she did. Just months before this woman has passed away and the heartache left behind in her daughter was evident. There it was, pain. To add to this seed of pain I could see bursting forth before me her brother was dying. A person in her life she admitted had not had such a soft spot in her heart. While I will never know what was the cause of the pain, there it was again. She grieved in front of me the ways their relationship never was much. And now here he was in his final days.
I listened to her questions. Questions of forgiveness, moving on, letting go of past wounds and getting over bitterness. My heart moved. I saw the short time we have here and how frail each of our lives on earth are. And here was this sweet woman before me, held captive by the bitterness, pain and now regret. She looked at me with the pain radiating from her soul, “what if I don’t get there in time? What if we never make amends?”
I will admit, I have no idea what I said next but I do know my heart still hurts for her. I wonder if she made it in time. I’m curious if she had the opportunity to make peace with her brother. And even more I wonder if she was able to make peace with herself. I prayed for her before we parted ways, my brokenness met her brokenness and we came before the Lord to plead for time, healing, forgiveness and opportunity for peace. But I am not sure who that prayer was for-for her or for me.
It is hard to let go of pain. It is hard to be in the midst of it. Pain is a cruel thing that can wrap itself around us and feel like it never will leave. But I think the hardest part is feeling like you are alone. The feeling that no one understands. That yes people might have similar experiences, but no it isn’t like yours. They don’t really get it.
I cling to the reality that Christ gets it. He does, he really does. He felt it ALL when He died. And when he took on it all it includes the pain we each feel. No pain goes unnoticed. So those moment where I hardly can move because of my aching heart, or when a painful season comes again and disrupts my life, I pray I can cling to the truth that Christ truly bore it all. He gets me. He feels it too.

Confessions of a Control Freak

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I am visiting friends for the next couple days. An honest treat for this girl who feels like she hardly has a social life. This morning I woke up in my hotel bed excited and nervous to see friends I hadn’t seen in five years. A lot can happen and change in five years and that has happened here. I was afraid that time had severed us. That there would be nothing to talk about and awkward silences would linger. Perhaps the void in space and contact would make things hard. Or maybe pain that had come, passed or lingered would leave us changed to the point where we wouldn’t connect. We have grown up and really in someways grown apart but also grown together. As you grow life isn’t so carefree. Colors dull at different points and events can alter perspectives and people. I wish at times things did not change.

I am very aware lately of my perpetual fear of change. I don’t like it. I like eating the same things on menus at familiar restaurants, going to familiar places, seeing familiar faces, hugging familiar people. I like routine, order, organization and no surprises. I like predictable, safe and really when I think about it boring. But honestly things perfect. This place that I like is a place of fear. A fear of the unknown. A place of control. This magnified point in my life of change has highlighted this trait in me. It is not a good one. The ironic thing is I am in a season of life where change is inevitable. I am about to be a college graduate. I no longer have the comfort and protection of my parents. I live in a new place, no matter how temporary, it is still new. I have new relationships and old ones that have changed. I live much of my life now traveling and there is  nothing the same about moving from place to place. And yet fear grips my heart. Sometimes it almost strangles it. I believe that if I can prevent this change somehow, someway I will be safe. But this sameness stifles potential. How will I ever change, grow or become the woman God desires if I fight change? I surely hope that in ten years I won’t be the same, but if I fear it how will I not? If I try to control everything around me am I not denying the deity of God and His ultimate goodness? Am I not turning to Him and saying I can do it better? Yes, I am. But when I am white knuckling my life willing it to stay in perfect order and control I become frazzled and exhausted. I become unable to function in relationship. My patience wanes and I become intolerable. And yet the more exhausted and frazzled I become the more things unravel. The more I fight for control. This cycle of control backfires.

When I demand control, my relationship with God suffers. My relationship with friends and family suffer and honestly that is the time when the dark cloud of depression begins to roll in. The enemy comes creeping in there in my time of weakness and whispers things that destruct even more. Suddenly I am not good enough. If I just tried harder things would be better. I become a failure. A bad friend. A bad daughter. A control freak who drives people away. And worst of all not good enough for God. Truth slips away from reality and all I have left is this cycle of control that is tearing apart things that I hold most dear.

I am still trying to figure out how to combat this need for control. Why do I fight God so much and not let Him come in and lead? Why is it so hard to do it His way knowing that He has a plan that is so much greater than mine and be confident in things that I cannot see? Probably because I don’t trust. I struggle to trust that God really is who He says He is. I struggle to believe that He is going to come through for me. Ultimately there are things in my life that are seemingly unfair. They shouldn’t have happened. Or I argue “if He loved me He would have saved me.” But those things are both untrue. Life is unfair. This world is tainted by sin. We have free will and unless we are hermits we come in contact with people. Each person has a free will to either obey God or rebel. Each person can chose to love or hate, be constructive or destructive, trust or not trust. In that choice we have hurt. One person choses to do one thing which hurts another. Domino effect and suddenly you feel wounded to no fault of your own. Or maybe you are partial responsible but unwilling to admit it because of pride. So if you are like me you hide behind control believing that it is the better choice. I think I struggle to believe that if people hurt, God does too.

So today, God and I are working on trust. Trust that He can do it better. Trust that He will lead not down a path of destruction. Trust that He will heal the fragments of me that seem useless, broken or unfixable. And most of all trust that He loves me and that that love is not conditional to what I do or anyone that I love does.